Yesterday I was re-blogging a part of my article, which I felt was very important. As soon as I wrote a title to my new entry I suddenly felt a lump in the back of my throat. I sensed it strongly and thought that was strange. The morning has been beautiful. I was in a good mood. I was happy. I was happy reposting this part. It was important to me. I wanted to bring more attention to it. I thought maybe the shorter message would be easier for my readers.
“Buying flowers for yourself is a step towards loving yourself”. That was a title. After I published my entry, I went to my living room to do my yoga practice. The morning was ordinary and full of sun. We are so fortunate here in Utah with so many sunny days and blue skies. My living room has an open space of 2 stories and huge windows. The sun actually fills the room and sometimes even blinds your eyes. I love it!
I like to do my yoga practice mostly in complete silence. But sometimes I like to do it with spiritual music and images from YouTube. This morning I chose Karunesh, Zen Breakfast with powerful picture of bright red poppy field and purple sky at dawn.
I turned on my timer and started with pranayama (breathing) as usual. When I was on my 3-4 minute of breathing, suddenly tears flooded my face and I started seeing pictures on my inner screen from my childhood. Those tears were from the very bottom of my heart, they were unknown. I was crying, I was weeping. I allowed it to happen. Fortunately I was alone at home. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to let myself express my feelings out loud.
The images were about my parents fighting physically, of my father screaming at my mother, I was very little (about 4 years old) and I was hiding because I was afraid of getting hit as well. More images of my mom crying and weeping… Then scenes from life when my family was having meals and how my father was very cruel to my mother. He would say very offensive jokes. He would laugh, but no one else did, not my mother nor my sisters and me. My poor mommy was so sad. And suddenly the words came out from my subconscious mind – “My father has never bought flowers for my mom!”, “My poor mommy”! She was hurt by him so often and she has never been appreciated. Now as a grown woman I feel her pain differently and I can relate to it.
My mother didn’t love herself. She didn’t know how to protect herself. She didn’t know her value. The Soviet upbringing was crucial for many women. You didn’t have any value as a person. Communism was the only thing everybody was caring about. “Building the bright future in the best country of the world!!!!”- was the slogan. Family was not important, women had to work as men.
Typing these revealing thoughts brings pain to surface again. It hurts. Deeply. Still.
My father didn’t see a woman in my mother and society didn’t help. Was it his fault? I do not know! I don’t judge him! I love him! I love him dearly! But I do have a difficult relationship with him. Very often when he calls I do not answer…. I simply cannot. I have to be guarded. I have to be ready and in a certain mood.
I continued my yoga practice crying. Child’s pose, Sun salutations, I was trying to maintain my breath… and keep breathing.
The tears stopped in the middle of my practice and I felt AMAZING. I felt inner peace.
I have lived in the USA for about 3.5 years and I had never send my mother flowers. We always send money. We help. But it is different. After revelation that morning I had decided to send her flowers soon. I will attach a note how much I love her! How beautiful she is! How amazing she is just simply by being a woman!
My parents have separated when I was 13. My father is living a very lonely life now. In the end we live a life we deserve. He doesn’t have many friends. He didn’t remarry. I feel sorry for him. I love him. Sometimes I do mediation and send him light from my heart to his. I pray for him. I pray for his heart to soften…
In the Vedas, it is said that we have to forgive our father or mother first. We have to accept them with love and unconditionally. Only after forgiving we earn the right to have a happy family ourselves.
I always thought that I knew how to love myself. But it was pride, not love. We do not know how to love ourselves. We are not able to love ourselves. We are not able to value and cherish ourselves. But we are so prideful, so cocky.
How to get rid of pride and fill our hearts with love?
Through awareness. Through acts of kindness. Through mediation and prayer. Through careful relationships with yourself and others. By opening your heart. Walking a life with gentle and harmless steps. Being careful with nature. Being mindful …Seeking for God.
Wishing Happiness to you!